My First Script

[JulieWilko]

Hi, Been looking around the message board, so much stuff that helps.
I have been writing some stuff lately, what do you all recken.
This is for over 18, swearwords are used.

MATURE STUDENTS

INT IN THE EMPTY CLASSROON DAYTIME
MR. Burns is marking school homework. It is 3.30, all the pupils have gone home. It is quiet and peaceful. Mr. Burns is feeling the pressure as he marks hundreds of papers.

JOHNNY JONES
I've been looking for you Sir

Mr. Burns looked up. He stopped marking. Johnny comes into the classroom carrying a dirty piece of A4 white paper, and sits on a desk not far from Mr. Burns.

JOHNNY JONES (CONT?D)
Why are you such a prick Mr. Burns?

Johnny is playing the tough guy. Mr Burns is now paying more attention to Johnny and the piece of paper he is holding.

JOHNNY JONES (CONT?D)
Are you deaf, i asked you why are you such a prick?

MR. BURNS
Prick, now what does that word mean. Could you not come up with a word that people understand. You could of called me a twat, or a fucking silly bastard who wasting his time teaching because he fucking hate children. That right I hate kids, now what do you want?

JOHNNY JONES
You gave me a D in my essay, I needed a A or a B.

Johnny is waving the piece of paper about.

JOHNNY JONES (CONT?D)
Why didn't you like it?

JOHNNY JONES (CONT?D)
Answer me

Mr Burns takes his glasses off. He put them on the table.

MR. BURNS
It was crap, no energy or feelings was in your essay. You properly done it in a hour the most. I bet you it was a copy and paste job.

JOHNNY JONES
So what,I needed a b at least, what does it matter to you. Please change my d to a b please.

MR. BURNS
No

JOHNNY JONES
Why the fuck do you teach kids for if you hate us?

MR. Burns looked out of the windows.

MR. BURNS
Because I'm a fucking dud. Why go into teaching when you hate kids. Just proves what a dickhead I am.

JOHNNY JONES
You should do us all a favour and do one.

Johnny hold the piece of paper in the air with his left hand. His right hands takes the lighter out of his pocket and he set his essay on fire and throws it on the floor.

JOHNNY JONES (CONT?D)
Teachers, a waste of space.

Johnny walks out of the classroom leaving Mr.Burns dancing on Johnny essay.

INT. INSIDE MR BURNS STAFF ROOM

Smoky and n nosey. Radio on in the background, woman teachers gossiping. The old ones falling asleep. Mr Burns is siting down eating reading a paper. Mr Downy is siting next to him.

MR. BURNS
I?m having a bad day

MR DOWNY
I heard, Johnny was not to happy with his essay.

MR. BURNS
The kids are driving me crazy, they are so cheeky but not all of them. They wind me up. They only have to look at me and it winds me up.

MR DOWNY
Maybe you going crazy, I once read that a teaching can send a man crazy.

MR. BURNS
It the kids, me and kids do not get on. That a fact.

MR DOWNY
It took you all them years to work that out.

MR. BURNS
Well, a few years ago it all started but I thought it was just early years and i will grow into becoming a great teacher.

MR Burns started reading the paper.

MR DOWNY
I don?t mind, I love the way the children look up at me and respect me.

MR. BURNS
That happens

MR DOWNY
No

MR. BURNS
That it, look at that

MR DOWNY
What

MR. BURNS
Read that

Mr Burns hand him the paper.

MR DOWNY
Local collage looking for teachers to teach mature students. Apply at the collage.


INT IN LISA BEDROOM NIGHT TIME
Lisa is moaning with pleasure. Her boyfriend is like a wild animal. The duvet is on the floor. They are both sweating and having a great time.

BENNY
This is great babe
Lisa rolled over and is now on top.

BENNY (CONT?D)
I love you Jane
They both stop

BENNY (CONT?D)
I love you Lisa

LISA
You said Jane. Who the hell Jane?
Lisa climbs of her boyfriend, pick the duvet up and wrapped it around her naked body.

BENNY
What the hell you doing, I've got a hard on.

LISA
You got an hard on, tell me who Jane is?

BENNY
I don?t know what you are talking about woman

Lisa lights a cigarette, the cigarette but brings some light to a darkness room. The mobile start ringing which is on the floor. Lisa is the nearest to pick that up.

BENNY (CONT?D)
Give me it.

Lisa looked at the mobile

LISA
Guess whose name on here?

Benny get of the bed and put his hand out

BENNY
Stop messing about

Lisa takes 2 steps backwards, the mobile is still phoning. Lisa answers the mobile.

LISA
Hello

Benny is trying to get the phone of lisa

LISA (CONT?D)
Yes, Benny here, so piss of slag.

Lisa throws the mobile on the bed. Benny grabbed the mobile, switched it off.

LISA (CONT?D)
How could you, get out

Lisa start picking Benny clothes up from the floor, except his precious jeans, walked over to the window and start throwing it all out

BENNY
Hey, she only a workmate

Lisa is now *trying* to push Benny out of her flat. Benny is struggling to put his jeans on.

BENNY (CONT?D)
I love you Lisa

LISA
You got the name right, good boy now get out before i scream Rape and i bloody mean it.

Benny realized his efforts are not doing him any favours.

BENNY
How will you live without me. You have no job, no Boyfriend.

Lisa has finally push Benny over to the door. He is wearing his Jean, no shirt and one shoe in his hand. Lisa has her arm resting on the door, she only got to shut it in it face.

LISA
That where you are wrong, I?m going back to school

BENNY
You what

LISA
Going to collage, I?m becoming a mature student, I?ve made my mind up. Piss off you dirty whore, waste of space rat.

Lisa slams the door, Locking Benny out for good. Lisa now drops her tough attitude and get on the bed and start crying.

[Kev Owens]

Your spelling and grammar in the script is poor, it puts you off- there are never any 's's after words!

Anyway, the first scene is poor. You try to make the teacher sound intelligent, but he fails. The scene plays out quite badly and it's very improbable.

This part really made me laugh:

INT IN LISA BEDROOM NIGHT TIME

Lisa is moaning with pleasure. Her boyfriend is like a wild animal. The duvet is on the floor. They are both sweating and having a great time.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">You don't actually say they're having sex, so I imagined that Lisa and her boyfriend are playing 'Jungle' in the bedroom. Benny is the lion and Lisa is a hunter... you get the idea [img]redface.gif[/img]

Keep it simple- Lisa is having sex with BENNY.

You omit character descriptions, eg.

The grey haired, stern looking MR. BURNS, 49, sits at his desk marking papers. [CAPS for the 1st time you mention the character]

Poor dialogue and lots of cliche here, but it could be worked on and improved vastly with more thought on dialogue and character. For dialogue always say it out loud- does it sound natural? It seems like the start of a much longer story, and we can see that these two characters are being set up to meet at some point, but if you don't establish their personas before then, who will care?

Good luck with it.

[andyblaa]

It wasn't bad. You show that you have a good idea of structurally how to set up a story. Unfortuantely, like Kev said, the first scene dowsn't work for as a catalyst to make the teacher leave the school he's at. The dialogue from the teachers is very adolescent like. It isn't at all like teachers would speak. Try listening to people and make notes on their use of vocabulary, tone etc. Don't have everyone speak like you and your friends speak.

The lack of S's was fucking annoying, as Kev said. Did you proof read and spellcheck before you posted it here? If you don't proof read things you look like a real amateur. Someone who couldn't even be arsed to read back their work for the benfit of people who will be reading it.

You should keep writing though. If it's part of a screenplay, don't bother going back and rewriting this first section. Just keep on writing and posting stuff here. Fix what's wrong when it's finished. The more you write the better you'll get and the more 'rules' you'll learn.

Also try reading some screenplay's to see how action etc, is usually described. Drew's Script-o-Ramais a good place to find completed scripts.

Another point, make all your action present tense, so the reader can see it happening at that minute. You seem to vary from present to past tense as the script goes on.

I quite like the scene with Lisa, although somewhat cliched at the beginning, it's nice when she starts to cry after acting really tough to throw her boyfriend out. You set up her situation very quickly and show what she's going to do to resolve it so the scene does it's job. The dialogue definatley needs work though.

Don't worry about writing cliche at this point in your writing career. We all do it when we first begin writing stuff. It's when you read your first stuff back and find that you've seen it all before, that you then start to think of more imaginative ways of doing things, ways that haven't been done before hopefully.

So like I said, keep writing. And for my sake at least, PROOF READ!

Andy

[JulieWilko]

Thanks for reading my draft; I do apologized for my grammar and spelling which is my downfall. Maybe I tried to hard in the first scene; I was trying to show a character who is unsuitable for his job and why he started teaching Mature Students. I just love coming up with characters and taking them on an adventure. Thanks for the comments, I took them on board and hopefully I can improve. I took your advice about not rewriting the first scene, just keep on writing, so I did.


ACT two

EXT. THE JOB CENTRE.DAYTIME
The Job centre is very busy today. People are sitting round, some filling form in. Andy Thomas is in an interview with his job officer (Miss Griffin) who is typing away.

MISS GRIFFIN You have been out of work for 12 months now. We need to get you back into the working world Mr. Thomas

MR THOMAS That would be lovely doll; my girlfriend keeps telling me the same thing.

MISS GRIFFIN I bet she is?

MR THOMAS A job that pays well, I do not want to work for less then.

Mr Thomas does not finish his sentence, he is thinking, he finally stopped thinking,

MR THOMAS (CONT?D) ?7.00 an hour Miss

MISS GRIFFIN
Do you have any qualifications at all?

MR THOMAS No miss, I could not be bothered with all that, you see if was different then, no wanted a piece of paper, they just wanted hard workers.


MISS GRIFFIN Times have change, you were a lorry driver for the last 12 years, now you are banned so that rules you out of driving jobs. There a job here, working on the phones for 5.00 an hour.

MR THOMAS ?5.00 an hour, nah do I look like stupid.

MISS GRIFFIN Well, the jobs round here for you are mostly ?5.00 an hour, if you has qualifications then you could earn more.

MR THOMAS Well I have none, Phone me if there any decent jobs, wipe it of the computer and keep it for me doll.
Mr Thomas gets up and gives Miss Griffin a wink. It brought a smile to the young blond job assistant.


MISS GRIFFIN Hold on, sit back down, How about going to collage? Mr Thomas looked over his shoulders to see whom Miss Griffin is talking too. No one was there so he turned back to Miss Griffin.

MR THOMAS You talking to me?

Mr Thomas is pointing to himself

MISS GRIFFIN Yes

MR. BURNS Me, go back to school

MISS GRIFFIN Yes, is there anything wrong with that

MR THOMAS I am excessively old, well in college standards, 37 this year. Nearly time to put my slippers on.


MISS GRIFFIN You can join as a mature student,
Beackfull,the local collage are keen on recruiting mature students.

MR THOMAS Me a mature student, not to sure about that. I have no time to ass about playing school.

MISS GRIFFIN Well it either that or a job that pays ?4.00 an hour.

MR THOMAS You could be talking sense, I will become a mature student. Anything to keep Sherry of my back,

END OF ACT 2

EXT. OUTSIDE THE COLLAGE- MORNING.
It is a beautiful morning, the first day of the new term. Teachers and students are parking their cars and fighting at the same time.
Lisa is getting of the bus, which stops right out side collage. Mr Burns is walking up the steps into the entrance; he is carrying a briefcase, wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. Mr Thomas, the big person who is wearing a cap is getting of the same bus as Lisa.

ACT 6
EXT IN A CAFE IN THE CITY CENTRE MORNING
WACKER who is eating his breakfast.
he is dressed shabby and dirty.
He is eating on his own on a table for two, there a few other people in the caf?. The news is on the radio, quietly in the background.

The Caf? door opened.

SID enters the caf?, who is immaculacy dressed, shinny black shoes, not one crease in his suit.

SID
Can I have a coffee please?

Owner
Sure pal

SID
What so important, fucking dragging me out of bed.

SID
1 million pound

WACKER
Yeah, whatever

Sid put his hand inside his pocket and pulled out a form. He puts it down on the table.

Wacker wipes his hand on the tablecloth before he picked up the form.

SID
Now listen carefully, My client has hired you, he been told that you are the best in the business.

WACKER
This person who told you I was the best, did he not tell you I am not in the business anymore.

SID
Yes, That why he has offered you a million pounds, That is a very good price for your services.

Wacker is looking at the form

WACKER
Beackfull Collage, who is Jake Colly?

SID
You, that your enrolment form, You must enrol today.

WACKER
You say a million pound.. I need upfront expenses.

SID
Off course

Sid pulls an envelope from his inside jacket pocket.

SID
There 20.000 pounds in there. Should that be enough.

Sid gets up

WACKER
Who do you want me to get in touch with?

SID
That will not be revealed at the moment, just get settled into collage life, I will be in touch.

Sid leaves the caf?. Wacker is looking at the envelope, He pulled loads of clean notes out.

END OF ACT